


freak

by m4trixz



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Derealization, How Do I Tag, I'll add tags as I write, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-29
Updated: 2021-02-04
Packaged: 2021-03-15 00:42:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 947
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29055342
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/m4trixz/pseuds/m4trixz
Summary: heavily based off of freaks by surf curse."hey! this is hinata shouyou. sorry i couldn't answer, leave a message and i'll call you back soon!"he wouldn't call back.or rather, it wouldn't matter if he did. i won't answer."hey shou."i paused. what was i supposed to say? it was bittersweet that he didn't answer. i feel if he did, i wouldn't have the courage to lie. but knowing his voicemail message is the last time i'll ever hear his voice- that voice i spent years pining over- just isn't right.think, kozume, think. what are the words you've waited to tell him? that you have to say? this is your last chance. just spit it out."i just wanted to tell you that-"no. this is stupid. he won't care. it's all over anyway.i'm an idiot."n-nevermind. bye."
Relationships: Hinata Shouyou/Kozume Kenma
Kudos: 3





	1. epilogue

**Author's Note:**

> hi!! welcome to this lil story i decided to write :D i'm glad you've stopped by. my name is fig and this is my first time writing a fic since i was about 12, so please comment any criticism u have ^_^ 
> 
> PLEASE be advised that i will be mentioning self harm in this chapter (and several other chapters. i will always include trigger warnings in graphic chapters though! if you are triggered by physical, verbal, or sexual abuse, self harm, eating disorders, or suicide, please don't read! thank u! :3

tears are crawling down his face. he stares back at me, never breaking eye contact. he doesn't look sad, or angry, or happy. he look's like the faint remnants of the kid i used to know. the one i grew up with. learned with, loved with. he looks like the gradual fading of someone i had once loved. he has clean hair and a beautiful suit. the most put-together that he's looked in weeks. besides the rivers falling from his tired, tired eyes, he still looks like that kid i once knew. he still has his scars, he still has a constellation of acne covering his face, and he still has all his flaws. 

his eyes seem almost empty. they don't look the same they did all those months ago, they can't possibly be the same eyes that would scrunch up with joy when he saw the person he loved the most, or the eyes that told thousands of stories of teen angst and abuse and past loves. it almost makes me sick to know these are the eyes of the person i used to know. 

in a futile attempt at salvation, i delicately reach my hand out to wipe away his tears. i want to help, i want to save him. i want to lift the weight he's felt for the past 18 years. i want to give him the life he deserved. 

just as i'm about to reach him, my hand is faced with the cold knock of glass. i know this person staring back is me. i feel my fingers digging beneath the skin of my thigh and i feel the salty tears dripping down my face. so why don't i look like myself?

my head is spinning. it feels like all the sorrows are coming out and crawling down my body like maggots, trying to infest what's left of my innocence. parasites oozing from my mind and telling me "deeper, deeper" as i continue to gauge my leg with my own nails which have become longer as the weeks of rotting progressed. i need more, but i know it's worth nothing. i'll finally find my eternal sleep soon.


	2. beginnings of endings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> minor tw for physical and verbal abuse, suicidal thoughts and use of the f slur. (i'm a gay man, i can reclaim!) if this makes you uncomfortable, please do not read further! sorry for the short chapters, i'll try to make them longer from now on ^_^

i'm kenma kozume. as you can probably tell by now, things aren't looking too good for me. i'm 18 years old. i live in a loud, busy city. which is convenient, because loud and busy environments are my least favorite thing in the world. 

don't get me wrong, i'm grateful for the situation i'm in, in a way. lots of people my age aren't as fortunate as me and don't get to live in their "dream cities" and stay in a decently nice apartment with the boy they've been in love with since freshman year. but in my brain i would much rather be 6 feet under. 

most of my days are exactly the same. i wake up, although i wish i could slip into slumber forever, i eat, although i would prefer to starve myself until i'm just skin and bone, and i bring myself to my shitty, low paying, energy draining job, however rotting in my bed and thinking of various different ways to disappear from this reality seems like a much more fulfilling way to spend my time. not to mention my few classes that attempt to teach me how to achive my ideal profession, but i know deep down i'll never get there.

right now, there are 2 different ways my life could play out from here forward. 

1, i could confess my love for hinata shouyou, my dearest friend. he could confess mutual feelings thus leading us to start a relationship hopefully full of love, or he could reject me and i would feeling crushing defeat and loneliness that would lead to living a mundane, painfully average, 9 to 5 live in the suburbs.

or 2, i could kill myself.

to tell you the truth, the latter is my only real option. 

not because i'm nervous of confessing to shouyou or because i'm scared of living a boring, unfulfilling life. but because it's the one thing i've wished for since i was 13. 

my suicidal thoughts and actions have never been that serious. over the years i've gotten hospitalized a few times due to attempts and a few other times due to malnourishment. despite the multiple hospitalizations, my family nor my closest friends seemed to be very concerned. at the time, i suspected it was due to confusion or denial. but now i realize, especially my parents, in reality, just didn't care. this may sound like teen angst talking, but i can assure you it's not. 

my parents have neglected me and, quite honestly, hated me, since day one. aside from the fact that i was a very unwelcome accident, neither my mom or my dad were suited to be parents. physical and verbal abuse were common in my household up until the end. as i got older it stopped hurting and i stopped fighting back. they would shout "WORTHLESS. UGLY. FAGGOT," but none of it mattered. i began counting down the days until i could move out and find safety with another. i see now, though, that i was more likely counting down the days until i would gain the courage to do what i had been dreaming of. 

i wonder these days if my friends knew. if they saw the scars on my legs and upper-arms or the bruises covering my body. 

my childhood best friend kuroo tetsuro was the only person i ever knew, besides shouyou, that really seemed to care. but like many good things in my life, he left just when i needed him most.


End file.
